Candy Mountain!
by The-Z-Enigma
Summary: TOTAL Crackfic. Mildly amusing. Again, crack to 23rd power.


Once upon a time, there was a girl whose dentist hated her. So he decided that they needed to rip out her teeth. They got the girl all ready, and knocked her out.

In the girl's drug induced stupor, odd things began to float around in her brain. They began to form a dream.

There was a mountain. A mountain made of mouthwatering sweets, And what appeared to be a grey unicorn, limping away, and muttering something like "Damn liopleurodons…" Atop the mountain rested nine people, unsure of how they had gotten there. 2 bewildered boys sat in school robes, a somber man scowling above them, 3 men in black cloaks with numerous zippers juxtaposed them, one of the men's spiky red hair poking the next trio's backs. They were a teen, and two men. Also garbed in cloaks, one red and two blue, they sat, glaring disinterestedly at the others. One of their group towered above the others, impatiently brushing a blonde curl out of his eye.

"Look here, " said one of his companions, his voice rising with frustration.

"As a colonel with the state, I order you to tell me your names!"

The shaggy black haired boy to his right sighed, and repeated

"For the last time, I'm Harry Potter, this is Draco Malfoy, and this is our Potions Master, Snape."

Colonel Mustang turned to the second slouching group.

"And you?"

"I'm Axel," announced the redhead.

"Got it memor-"

He was cut off by a forceful shove from the blonde to his right.

"For God's sakes, Axel. Your name's only four letters long. It's not that hard to remember.

"Awww. What's the matter, Roxy? Can't share?" said Axel, beginning to slip his hand up Roxas' cloak.

"Hey!" said Marluxia, his eyes sparkling with renewed interest.

"Can I play too?"

Snape glared at them and continued his pacing

"For grown men you would think…AH! WHAT'S THAT SHAKING?!"

He looked down to see the gigantic blonde attempting to burrow a candy cave in the massive stock of it at his feet.

"**Major Armstrong, sir! Beg pardon, but I need a constant supply of physical strain to retain my pink sparkles!"**

Snape let out a small "oof!" as Marluxia knocked him down, crouching eagerly on his back

"You can make PINK SPARKLES?!"

Draco glared at them from his corner.

"Y'know, it's rather hard to focus on applying gel with all this racket. You, midget, next to the candy canes, you're not doing anything. Can't you shut them up?"

Ed looked up, face bright red.

"…_What _did you call me?

Draco sneered at him from the lollipop throne he had constructed.

"I called you a midget…why, what're you going to do about it?"

Suddenly, Ed was charging at him, limbs blurring.

"EXPELLIARMUS!" shouted Harry, sending Ed flying across the room. Roy rushed over to him, concern evident in his voice.

"Ed? Are you breathing? You're not breathing! Do you need CPR, Ed? Yes, yes I think you do. Well, if I must…"

Roy lowered his face eagerly, only to have Ed knock it away.

"CPR is for drowning people, pervert."

Roy looked away, flustered, lips still semi-puckered.

"Yes…well…erm…We should go… maybe make peace with the others?"

They walked up to Harry and Draco, who appeared to be arguing.

"Listen Malfoy, _I_ saved your ass, _I'm _topping tonight…Oh, hullo. Ignore us. What did you want?"

"Yea, shrimp." taunted Malfoy, leaning over Ed menacingly "What did _you _want?"

Draco found himself with the rather new addition of a metal fist in his mouth.

"I AM NOT A MICROSCOPIC ANT THE SIZE OF A GRAIN OF SAND!"

Harry and Roy sighed at the temperamental blondes, and went to the other side of the mountaintop, where a rather smug looking Snape was standing over a furiously whistling pink teapot, Armstrong shaking it to find the tea inside.

"Ermmm…Professor Snape…where did the teapot come from?"

"You ass, Potter. That great pink oaf landed on me, and now he pays with the loss of his mobility. Even your scumbag father could have figured that out."

Harry started to protest, but was cut off by Roy.

"Y-y-you performed…human…transmutation?!" Roy looked sick at the thought.

"No-one in my family has ever even attempted such a thing!" Armstrong had dropped the teapot, and was now hurriedly backing away from Snape.

Axel wandered over, amused, arms clenched around a struggling Roxas.  
"Hey, chickadees. What's the problem here? Nothing the Ax-man can't solve with some lurve?"

Roxas stopped his struggling and burst out of Axel's arms, a betrayed look on his face as he stormed away.

"Wait! Roxy! Don't go! You know I didn't mean it! Not for them!"

Axel rushed after him, occasionally tripping over his long, flailing limbs.

Snape stared after them, upper lip curled and quivering, before shuddering once and turning back to the outraged duo.

"The correct term is Transfiguration. And it's basic magic. All 6th years are required to know it if they want to pass their NEWTS."

Roy stared at him, eyes open wide.

"…What kind of monster are you?"

Snape sighed.

"I tire of this drivel. And you resemble James. Levicorpus, foolish man."

Roy wasn't sure how, but the next second he'd been flipped upside down, his "I LOVE DOGS!" boxers revealed to the world.

Ed appeared at his side, sullen, and covered with residual hair gel.

"Look, Mustang, if you say anything I'll…AH! WHAT THE FUCK?! THERE BETTER BE A DAMN GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THAT BULGE!"

Roy, already red from hanging, turned even redder.

"Well…I…er…um, you're covered in gel and…y'know, it, I, um…I can't really control it…it's really just a rush of blood and um…I…it…geh."

Ed marched away, his own face redder than the cloak that hung from his shoulders.

There was a loud snorting sound. Roy looked behind him to see Armstrong doubled up with laughter, the teapot erupting steam, and Snape sitting quietly, an amused smile on his face.

"YOU! YOU DID THIS! THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT A COLONEL! PUT ME DOWN!"

Snape flicked his wand idly, and Roy fell in a crumpled heap on the ground.

He glanced over at the still steaming teapot.

"I suppose you've served your punishment as well."

He waved the wand again, and Marluxia (clad only in florescent boxers) began prancing about the chocolate field they were sitting in.

"Now that I have my arms back…where did that pretty blonde boy go? The one who looked like Roxas?"

"ED?!" cried Roy, a pained look on his face.

"Nooooo…his name was…That's right! Draco!"

And he skipped away.

Meanwhile, Axel had meandered over again, Roxas safely (if cautiously) encased in his arms once more.

They watched the skipping, singing figure retreating into the brightly colored distance.

"Where exactly is Marluxia going?"

"Well," sighed Snape "I suspect your vagabond friend is off to have some fun with one of my students."

Armstrong sat down, a puzzled look on his broad face.

"What kind of fun? Like Hopscotch?"

Roy exhaled, and raised a weary hand to his forehead.

"Nevermind, Major. We need to stop it. Come along."

Roxas gently detached himself from Axel, maintaining his grip on the other boy's hand.

"We'll come too. I've had far too much experience fending off Marly."

They all stared expectantly at Snape, who glared back at them.

"Fine, fine, I'm coming. Stop staring or you'll find yourselves with bats for ears."

They arrived in the peppermint valley to find quite a scene in front of them.

Ed was in the dirt a few feet away, laughing his leather garbed ass off. Harry was standing next to Marluxia and Draco, angrily shouting and attempting to curse the pink haired man with his newly broken wand (courtesy of Marluxia). The latter was seated on a fudge stump, holding a paler than usual Draco tightly on his lap, stroking his thigh.

"Ooooo…Draco…you're sooo soft."

"Merglhkqrnyargh." Replied Draco, afraid to fight back.

A hysterical Harry wheeled, and stormed toward Axel.

"YOU! SPIKY! HE'S YOUR FRIEND! DO SOMETHING!"

"Yea, c'mon Marluxia, give it a rest. Or Harry might combust."

"But Axelll…look at him. He's like a perfect little package. He's blonde, and petite, **nice **ass. I can tell he's smart and boy!" Marluxia gripped Draco tighter to stop the frantic squirming. "Is he feisty! He's like an adorable little fuck me doll! Look Axel,"-he ran his fingers through Draco's hair-"He even comes with free lube!"

By this point, Axel had joined Ed on the ground, rolling with laughter. Roxas had flushed a bright red, and was trying to restrain a rabid Harry, who was attempting to impale Marluxia with his wand halves. Armstrong and Roy stood off to the side, the Major looking baffled, and Mustang breathing excitedly.

"-twins! But I have to pay for my own lube."

Snape was reclining on a mound of cotton candy, mixed looks of disgust and hilarity present on his face, Then, a look of dawning comprehension, and a sinister smirk appeared.

He stood on a giant gum drop, attempting to gain everyone's attention. When no one so much as glanced at him, he swept his wand over them.

"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS! Ah, that's better. Now that I have your full attention, I would like to make an announcement. I, Severus Snape, am the only capable one among us. The rest of you are mere buffoons. I am smarter, stronger, more charming, and much better looking than all of you, I have full choirs to sing my praises. The gods tremble when the name Severus Snape is spoken! And, as I am the only one who can use magic right now among you, in your frozen state, it would be wise not to argue. Anyhow, now that we're all clear on my greatness, I have decided to bestow upon you the favor of servitude to me, your new ruler."

He swished the wand again to release the spell. Everyone remained rather still, the only difference their gaping mouths.

"Now, you may call me Great One, Your Highness, Beloved Ruler, Majesty, or any other suitable titles. Be creative! But remember one thing; I have the power. I am king. KING! I AM THE…!"

"…Jones? Miss Jones?"

The scene faded from the girl's eyes, replaced with a white hat and a smiling face.

"We're all done here. You can go home now."


End file.
